Good Thoughts.....

So, I've been {at least somewhat} transparent here that being single at age 37 wasn't in my plans for my life. I fully intended to be married with several kids at this point in my life.  I don't typically do a great job of expressing all my thoughts and feelings in a way that makes sense without sounding like I'm whining or complaining, so I'm just gonna link up to some good things I think you should watch and read.

My church is currently doing a series called "Sequels" about how we've turned love, dating, marriage, sex, family etc into idols.  A few weeks ago, the topic was on being single and how the church has made being married the be-all, end-all of Christian life - never mind the fact that the man we follow, Jesus, was single!  I thought that Jonathan Storment (our preaching minister) and Jeff Childers (ACU bible professor) did a good job of tackling a topic that I've never actually heard preached in church - that being single is ok and I'm not broken because I am not married.  (And that it is still ok for me to want to be married -- and for others that it is ok to NOT want to be married.)

It sounds a bit harsh, but those two comments are things that I have struggled with for many, many years - and they reinforce lies that I have been told by my churches. Oh, not in overt ways, of course. But in the subtle, subversive ways that Satan tells his side of the story.

So, here are some of the lies I heard the church telling me about being single and how I fit in the body:

• Jenni, you are single, so of course you have to volunteer for every event the church is putting on (and if you don't, we'll make you feel guilty).
• Jenni, you are single, so of course the best place for you to spend your time at church is in the nursery - those poor parents need a break (oh, I'm sorry, does this make your heart shatter with the unfulfilled longings for your own children? sorry)
• Jenni, you are single - and our young families are SO busy, so we need YOU to help out with XYZ, as we can't expect them to contribute to the body.....
• Jenni, you are single and I forget that you have a job and home and other commitments, but of course they aren't nearly as important as our young families and the raising of their children, so you need to blah, blah, blah.
• Jenni, you are of course an integral part of our body, but you are single, and we don't really think that is important enough to find a way to make you feel valuable to our body, so we aren't going to try to find a way to support you in your life. Instead you get to go to bible class where the lesson illustrations are all about family - or you are in a class with strictly college aged kids.  Oh, and the sermon illustrations - again....it's all about the family.
• Jenni, you are single, and that means you must not need close community, intimacy, trust, touch, etc......you are an INDEPENDENT WOMAN. 

And the part about me not being broken - I have heard the unasked questions and unspoken comments (and sometimes, the overtly asked questions/comments).....

• Jenni, when you stop looking, you will find your husband!
• Jenni, have you tried eHarmony, match.com, etc etc etc???
• Jenni, why don't you go to ABC church up the street -- I've heard they have a great singles program.
• Jenni, think of all the heartache you have escaped! You are so lucky....
• Jenni, when you fully trust in God and rely only on Him, then you will be blessed with a husband.
• Jenni, when you have solved {whatever it is in you that is broken}, then your husband will appear!
• Jenni, why don't you try exercising at the gym? When you feel good about yourself, you will be more attractive to potential mates.

Jonathan and Jeff's lesson certainly doesn't "fix" anything or solve the lies that I've been fed - and believed! - over pretty much my entire life (including my time at ACU - it's not referred to as a marriage factory for nothing), but it at least opens the conversation.  You can check out the recording here - the sermon starts around the 30 minute mark (http://new.livestream.com/accounts/245792/events/2419633/videos/30627043).

Jonathan then wrote a blog post the next day and referenced an article I had also recently read.  Here is Jonathan's post and the article he referenced.  There is a topic in this last article that I first discovered a few years ago - that of disenfranchised grief.  I read this article a few years ago and it really spoke to me about my feelings of pain over not having the chance to be a mom - yet or maybe ever.

And, even today, I read another post.....about the pain and baggage of never being chosen....and it resonated mightily with me.... except I'm a bit older than the author.

I don't have any way to wrap this post in a pretty bow.  But, I wanted to have these links all in one place - and give you, my readers, resources to try to hear and grieve with a sister.

Creation....

Over the past several months I've been reading Shaun Groves blog. It began while the authors of several blogs I read traveled with him on a trip for Compassion to Africa and then more recently to the Dominican Republic.

This post does a great job at reinforcing my belief that my desires for a husband are not unreasonable and are, in fact, God-breathed at creation. Go read it.....it is good.

Hugs

I somehow, somewhere stumbled upon Rocks in My Dryer a while ago. Can't remember where or why....doesn't really matter. She does some fun things and posts interesting articles. Most recently Shannon has begun hosting guest bloggers who write about what they want her readers to know.

The article she posted today was great. It is something that I've posted about several times before (being single but desiring a marriage and family), but always walked away from my posts feeling like I've been whining and having an emotional breakdown or asking you to join me in my pity party. Tammy so eloquently spells out what I've been trying to say.

Pretty much all of the article resonates clearly with me. The one part that really stuck out to me today is the lack of human physical contact. Going to ACU and having chapel every day, I probably got 50 hugs every single day of my college career. Now, 10 years later, I might get a half dozen a week. It is something that I really miss. So, don't be surprised if I intiate a hug next time I see you!!

And please go read the article.....it might give you some other ideas on how to relate to us single gals.

It's been awhile

I know, I know. Don't shoot me, please. Somehow I let writing on my blog take a back burner to reading umpteen hundreds of blogs in my reader....oh, and work and house projects.....

My good friend Kelly got married this past weekend. I hope she won't mind me posting a couple of photos here...well, I thought I would post photos but blogger is being persnickity, so I guess I won't right now.

So, sometimes I really feel like I have no life. I listen to friends talk about going to this or doing that and I think, what am I doing? I go to work and go home. I do stuff around my house. I go to church - though the community there isn't what I wish it was, but that is a whole other story.

I really don't want to put my life on hold as I wait for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet, but sometimes I feel like I can't help it! More and more of my girlfriends are getting married and no matter how hard you try or what you do, a married girl/single girl friendship is just different than two single girls. It's harder.

I feel pangs of jealousy when my married girlfriends go out with their husbands together as couples, though I know it is important for them to have friends together as a couple. I feel slighted and unimportant when I am always available, but kids schedules/illnesses/family trips/general busyness get in the way of scheduled events with families at church.

Kelly's wedding was so beautiful and so inherently her - I know she and Adrian are well matched and am thrilled for them. But. Somewhere deep down in the corner of my heart I'm so envious of that relationship. Of that togetherness that she now has. The partnership to make decisions. The lover to share deepest secrets and concerns with. The companion for traveling. The co-parent for their (future) children.

Yes, there are still single girls that I am friends with and there is freedom in being able to make my own decisions on how to spend time and money. I do enjoy and cherish those relationships and those freedoms. But as I continue to get older, with less and less success on the internet dating front and so few other connections with which to meet my Prince, I get a little more cynical. A little less hopeful. A little more fearful of spending the rest of my life alone.

Of course, I am not promised a Prince. I know part of the issue for me is that I cannot see the path laid out for me. I do not know what tomorrow holds. What twists and turns my life will take. How to plan for the future. And though I do sometimes doubt, I know who holds that future and who is directing that path. I've got to keep reminding myself that God does have a plan for me and it is intended not to harm me.

Somehow, though, that knowledge just doesn't cut it sometimes. When my heart is hurting and I am fighting back tears. When I need someone to recognize that I am not doing ok without me having to ask. When I am in desperate need of human touch - a simple hug. When I need to vent or share something fun that happened in my day. When I walk into and out of church completely alone, without a single person really caring the answer to the automatic question "how are you." When I have tickets to a sporting event and can't seem to find anyone to go with me. When the trivial things of life (oil changes, plumbing problems, broken water hoses, doctor visits, entertaining, mowing the yard, grocery shopping, laundry) pile up and threaten to overwhelm.

I can't wrap this post up in a pretty bow today and say I have any answers or revelations. It just is.

Home Again....

Daddy said they made it home about 10:00 this morning. When they got ready for Mom to go home, they moved right along!

So far, all is well. Mom has a prescription filled for pain pills and she's supposed to eat what she feels like eating, but probably will be a soft diet for the next few days until her throat recovers a bit (she was intubated for the surgery). She has a few restrictions - no driving, no lifting anything over 10 pounds (= a gallon of milk!). She will be able to hold Emily though, as long as she doesn't lift her, so that is a good thing!

Thanks so much for all your prayers.....

Update

Mom's out of surgery....the doctor called and said they did what they planned to do -- two fusions, I believe......anyway, things went fine. She'll be in recovery for and hour-ish and then will go to her room. Thanks so much for all your prayers.....continue them for her sanity during recovery!!!

Blogland prayers

Friends - in about 12 hours my mom will be going into surgery to fuse vertebrae in her neck.....please be praying for the surgeon as he performs his delicate task. Be praying for the rest of us as we wait through the surgery and for the six+ weeks of recovery to come....

Lyric

I have a new favorite song...."I Believe in Love" by BarlowGirl....the song is compelling, the harmonies are beautiful and the words are a balm to my soul. Hope you enjoy it as well....


How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt
I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my story's ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe.