My good friend Kelly got married this past weekend. I hope she won't mind me posting a couple of photos here...well, I thought I would post photos but blogger is being persnickity, so I guess I won't right now.
So, sometimes I really feel like I have no life. I listen to friends talk about going to this or doing that and I think, what am I doing? I go to work and go home. I do stuff around my house. I go to church - though the community there isn't what I wish it was, but that is a whole other story.
I really don't want to put my life on hold as I wait for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet, but sometimes I feel like I can't help it! More and more of my girlfriends are getting married and no matter how hard you try or what you do, a married girl/single girl friendship is just different than two single girls. It's harder.
I feel pangs of jealousy when my married girlfriends go out with their husbands together as couples, though I know it is important for them to have friends together as a couple. I feel slighted and unimportant when I am always available, but kids schedules/illnesses/family trips/general busyness get in the way of scheduled events with families at church.
Kelly's wedding was so beautiful and so inherently her - I know she and Adrian are well matched and am thrilled for them. But. Somewhere deep down in the corner of my heart I'm so envious of that relationship. Of that togetherness that she now has. The partnership to make decisions. The lover to share deepest secrets and concerns with. The companion for traveling. The co-parent for their (future) children.
Yes, there are still single girls that I am friends with and there is freedom in being able to make my own decisions on how to spend time and money. I do enjoy and cherish those relationships and those freedoms. But as I continue to get older, with less and less success on the internet dating front and so few other connections with which to meet my Prince, I get a little more cynical. A little less hopeful. A little more fearful of spending the rest of my life alone.
Of course, I am not promised a Prince. I know part of the issue for me is that I cannot see the path laid out for me. I do not know what tomorrow holds. What twists and turns my life will take. How to plan for the future. And though I do sometimes doubt, I know who holds that future and who is directing that path. I've got to keep reminding myself that God does have a plan for me and it is intended not to harm me.
Somehow, though, that knowledge just doesn't cut it sometimes. When my heart is hurting and I am fighting back tears. When I need someone to recognize that I am not doing ok without me having to ask. When I am in desperate need of human touch - a simple hug. When I need to vent or share something fun that happened in my day. When I walk into and out of church completely alone, without a single person really caring the answer to the automatic question "how are you." When I have tickets to a sporting event and can't seem to find anyone to go with me. When the trivial things of life (oil changes, plumbing problems, broken water hoses, doctor visits, entertaining, mowing the yard, grocery shopping, laundry) pile up and threaten to overwhelm.
I can't wrap this post up in a pretty bow today and say I have any answers or revelations. It just is.