Monday, October 06, 2008

It's been awhile

I know, I know. Don't shoot me, please. Somehow I let writing on my blog take a back burner to reading umpteen hundreds of blogs in my reader....oh, and work and house projects.....

My good friend Kelly got married this past weekend. I hope she won't mind me posting a couple of photos here...well, I thought I would post photos but blogger is being persnickity, so I guess I won't right now.

So, sometimes I really feel like I have no life. I listen to friends talk about going to this or doing that and I think, what am I doing? I go to work and go home. I do stuff around my house. I go to church - though the community there isn't what I wish it was, but that is a whole other story.

I really don't want to put my life on hold as I wait for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet, but sometimes I feel like I can't help it! More and more of my girlfriends are getting married and no matter how hard you try or what you do, a married girl/single girl friendship is just different than two single girls. It's harder.

I feel pangs of jealousy when my married girlfriends go out with their husbands together as couples, though I know it is important for them to have friends together as a couple. I feel slighted and unimportant when I am always available, but kids schedules/illnesses/family trips/general busyness get in the way of scheduled events with families at church.

Kelly's wedding was so beautiful and so inherently her - I know she and Adrian are well matched and am thrilled for them. But. Somewhere deep down in the corner of my heart I'm so envious of that relationship. Of that togetherness that she now has. The partnership to make decisions. The lover to share deepest secrets and concerns with. The companion for traveling. The co-parent for their (future) children.

Yes, there are still single girls that I am friends with and there is freedom in being able to make my own decisions on how to spend time and money. I do enjoy and cherish those relationships and those freedoms. But as I continue to get older, with less and less success on the internet dating front and so few other connections with which to meet my Prince, I get a little more cynical. A little less hopeful. A little more fearful of spending the rest of my life alone.

Of course, I am not promised a Prince. I know part of the issue for me is that I cannot see the path laid out for me. I do not know what tomorrow holds. What twists and turns my life will take. How to plan for the future. And though I do sometimes doubt, I know who holds that future and who is directing that path. I've got to keep reminding myself that God does have a plan for me and it is intended not to harm me.

Somehow, though, that knowledge just doesn't cut it sometimes. When my heart is hurting and I am fighting back tears. When I need someone to recognize that I am not doing ok without me having to ask. When I am in desperate need of human touch - a simple hug. When I need to vent or share something fun that happened in my day. When I walk into and out of church completely alone, without a single person really caring the answer to the automatic question "how are you." When I have tickets to a sporting event and can't seem to find anyone to go with me. When the trivial things of life (oil changes, plumbing problems, broken water hoses, doctor visits, entertaining, mowing the yard, grocery shopping, laundry) pile up and threaten to overwhelm.

I can't wrap this post up in a pretty bow today and say I have any answers or revelations. It just is.


Tiffany said...

I feel ya. Its sometimes bittersweet for me to watch another person get married. I am SO happy for them, but at the same time, I have to admit, I am jealous. I want that for myself, and don't know when/if it will happen. All of what you wrote I can relate to a lot. It's great that you can be so honest.

That Girl said...

I hope the life you want is just around the corner.

dancedivam said...

This is exactly what I'm going through right now. The only difference is that I see the imperfections in my friends' marriages. I know one girl who is engaged right now who I know in my soul settled because she was tired of looking. While I'm grateful (in a way) to NOT have that, it's really hard not to say, "What's wrong with me? Am I not pretty/smart/successful enough?"

The fact is that the universe is a pretty big place. I trust that something great is out there. God has always provided for me and my family and I know this will be no different.

One of my single girlfriends in Dallas remarked last weekend that we were going to end up with someone REALLY great because we'd waited so long and had been so picky. I think she's right. About all of us.

I refuse to settle. But sometimes I also get lonely. :)

Lisa said...

Thank you for being so open and candid, Jenny. You speak for so many of us single gals out there!

By the way, it was good to see you this weekend. ~ Lisa K

Candy said...

From the comments above it sounds like you hit on something here, my friend. I think the important thing I read in them is - Don't Settle. Sometimes I think we wish away the present by hoping for the future. Live in the moment. Someday you'll wonder where it went. You may want to visit other churches just for fun to see what's going on over there and who's involved. Just a suggestion.

Amy L said...

I really like what dancedivam has to say - very insightful. And to echo everyone else - Do Not Settle! But, I also would say to be open to the unexpected. I always had my list of qualities that I wanted in a husband, and while R doesn't have every single thing on that LONG list, he has so many things that I didn't list that I didn't even know I needed/wanted - God knew better than me what my perfect mate looked like! And, we knew each other for months before we started dating - when we became friends, I never thought we would go on a date, much less end up married. It was true for us that it happened when we weren't looking. Wishing all the best for you - I know sometimes it is so hard to wait on God's best.

Amy L said...

One other thought - you mentioned feeling like you didn't have much to do outside of work/home/church. Something I loved doing when single that I don't really have time for now was taking classes - I took classes in knitting, jewelry making, sewing, cooking, etc. I really want to take a photography class now, but am struggling to find the time. I also joined Junior League and besides meeting people, I had volunteer opportunities that I may not have found on my own. I loved learning new skills and meeting new people.

I also took some fabulous vacations with my girlfriends - Napa Valley, Maui, Costa Rica, and New York. There are lots of ways to fill up that time while you're waiting! :)

erinlo said...

Jenni- I love reading your blog. I love your openness and honesty. Thank you for that.

My heart hurts as I read today. Two of my dearest friends here in Calgary are single and I treasure them. They echo your sentiments often (in fact- I think I'll send them a link to your blog.) Anyways-one of the things I love about them is that they use their singleness to bless me. Sometimes, as a wife and mother, I feel like I don't have a life. A couple of months ago during a particularly trying time, one friend called and said she was going to take the kids for the day and that Jeff and I were to use the day however we wished. (None of my married friends have ever done that!) We ended up spending some of the day together and some of it alone doing our own thing. It was such medicine for my soul at that time!!!!

I know they sometimes tell me they feel so out of place- that there isn't a place for them at church or whatever. And I think- WHAT?!?!? They are SO MUCH a part of our family- my literal one and my church one! I am so thankful for them. I do long for each of them to meet that special person, but, selfishly, I sometimes want to keep them all to myself.

I'm just rambling now. But, I wanted you to know that I will be praying that Mr. Right will come along- SOON! You are a precious beautiful girl, Jenni!

Erin L. said...

Very well stated. I was older when I married, I was almost 30 but it felt like I was 492 years old. You are a wonderful writer!!!

jaime s said...

Jenni--I love to read your thoughts! I am emailing you my response b/c it ended up being SO LONG!!

Praying for you!

MollieRMS said...

I love you, dear friend. I do understand the happy-for-you/envious thing: we waited for 3-1/2 years for Mattie to come along and so many of my friends had children during that time. I remember thinking, "God must know I wouldn't be a good mother & that's why he's not giving us a baby: to protect it from me." Wha?

God's a funny guy. I love that he really does more than we can imagine. And I pray that he will do that for you. Soon.

Blueeyes said...

Jenni, I have read your blog many times, but today I feel the need to comment. Reading this post brings tears to my eyes. I am a Single 34 year old living in Allen, TX. I completely understand every word written. God has blessed me beyond I deserve: I have a great church, wonderful friendships, an amazing family, a good job, 2 small dogs whom I adore, a new car, nice things, etc. But lately it's not enough lately. I want more.
I see my best friends go home everyday to their husbands...and I want the same thing. As you stated, we are not promised a Prince, but how I so want one! :) I want a Godly Christian man whom I can share my life with. Last Sunday, was the 1st time I told God I was very lonely. I struggle daily with God's plan for me...b/c I want my Prince now...God does not have the same plan I do.
May God bless you today....may God take away your loneliness and provide comfort and joy during your struggles.

Anonymous said...

I hope your prince is someone who is worthy of your wonderful personhood.