Monday, February 04, 2008

Waiting.....

Some song lyrics have been running through my head off and on today.....


Everlasting God Chris Tomlin

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles


If you know me at all....or have been reading my blog for a while....you can probably tell that I've been not quite myself for a while. I can't quite pinpoint when I turned that dark corner, but it feels as if I have been slipping away into another person for several months now. I'm taking steps to reclaim myself, but it will probably take a little while.

One really large component of this shift - and I know I've blogged about this before, but it is some kind of vicious cycle - is that at nearly 32 years of age my life is no where near where I thought it would be or wanted it to be. A couple of years ago, I was asked to speak at a ladies retreat at my church. The speech I gave is here. Reading back over that, I almost can't even believe that I wrote it. I wouldn't write the same speech today. I just feel that I've lost a bit of that hope and calm assurance.

I don't want to lose hope. But, it feels like these demons of loneliness, fear, temptation, despair, unworthiness, anger, spite, bitterness, regret and so many others just have their talons sunk deep into my heart and soul right now. Sometimes I do wonder - and it seems almost heretical to say - "God, are you really there? Do you really love me? Are you really leading my life and working out Your plan?"

I've never been patient. I want what I want....and I want it now! Lately, this waiting game is getting harder and harder. A large part is because I just can't see where God is leading me .... and so, I begin to question if He is actually leading. I play the comparison game - though I know I shouldn't. Looking at people who are my age (or younger) who are married, with kids, etc....wondering why I am still bearing this burden and struggling under this enormous weight.

I've had a few meltdowns lately -- seems they are coming more and more often. I think, though, in a strange way, that it is good for me. A little bit of humility with my friends and church family - chipping away a bit at the prideful me that goes to church with my "everything is fine" happy face on so much of the time. A reminder that there are folks there that love me -- for me who I am right now. Not the me that is perfect or that is doing something for them, but just plain Jenni, scars, warts and all. It is also a reminder to me that these people love me because they love God. And they are trying hard as they can to show me His love. I just need to work on receiving it more graciously as I wait on God to reveal more of His plan for my life.

I continue to pray for that strength that will come.....

13 comments:

Donna said...

I will pray that for you as well. But strength will come...

Terri said...

I will pray for you.

32 was really tough on me. I had planned to live in Nashville in a gorgeous house on Granny White Pike and work at an advertising agency.

Instead, I was living in this little town, married and working in one of my husband's stores. Not what I had planned.

So far, not much has gone like I planned but it's turned out WAY better than I planned!

Jim said...

I love you. It's OK to rant and rail wondering what is going on. How many stories in the OT show God's chosen people doing exactly the same thing. "For we know the plans He has for you ..." We're here for you whatever comes.

Lana said...

You are always in my prayers. God knows you and just how special you are because He made you; your name is engraved in the palm of His hand; His timing is perfect -- and someday we may come understand it; He loves you!

chinachat said...

I think waiting is the theme of my life. And it's good. It's hard, but that's part of the reason why it's good. I struggle with the same thoughts you do, but God has us on his mind. He can't forget. He always has the best for us.

Shelle H. said...

Jenni,
I have been lurking for the last few months not commenting, but please know that I am praying for you!

jennyc said...

I admire your honesty and vulnerability. You are so eloquent!

I pray that you may sense God's pleasure in you (just as you are) and have a deep knowing that he sings over you on the hilltops and in the valleys. Love you friend!

Whitney said...

Of course I will continue to pray for you. I know it must have taken a lot of courage to write this post. God is watching over you, and he does have a plan- a plan so much greater than you can EVEN imagine! Just be patient girl- I know it's hard because I'm one of the most impatient people you will ever meet!

Ashley said...

Waiting is so hard, in every stage. Your post was so well written and so heartfelt. I will say a prayer for you!

erinlo said...

Jenni- I was very touched by this post. I am so sorry you are hurting in this way. I am praying. -Erin L.

SG said...

I'm sorry because I know you are really hurting. I don't know why things have to happen the way they do. A friend of mine recently shared with me that when her life was not going the way she wanted and she was not becoming the woman she wanted to be, she asked a woman who was about 5 to 7 years older than she was to help mentor her. She helped her by example and by pinting out some things my friend had not considered. Just a thought.

jaime s said...

So sorry you are in the midst of this waiting room. I will pray for you as you are here. I know it's a difficult place to be. I'll email you more thoughts as this would be a REALLY long comment.

Just know I'm too am praying for you!

JS

Bitty said...

Hi! I came in from PW. (Her recipes are killer! But I'm intrigued by your Feb. dinner upside down dessert!)
So I hope you don't mind a word from a stranger:)
I found it discouraging when I looked around after college and friends were getting married, having babies, and I was still single. Discouraging, actually, doesn't cover it. I graduated seminary - God's Mating Grounds - still single.
What I pray for you is that you melt into God's pride in you, and that you discover the joy of active waiting. Take adventures. Follow your dreams. Comparing yourself to others is really asking, "have I done something wrong? Does God really have good things for me too?" Release that fear.
And be okay with the fact that you're at a different place than you were a few years ago. That's okay. Be honest with where you are and don't beat yourself up for having a hard time. Jesus had a Gethsemene, after all. He knows what loneliness is.
I was single most my life before I finally told my friends, "I'm not single. I'm independent!" Single made me think of frozen dinners. Independent made me think of high heels and Thai food.
After all that time, God brought the perfect man into my life. Know what? He's younger than me. And he's my perfect match. All that time in college I wondered where he was, he was in high school!
So be encouraged.
Blessings on you, dear one. Be still. The Lord is on your side.