Sunday, August 20, 2006

Alone

Today I think all the pent-up emotions of the past few weeks decided to emerge. The grief over my grandmommy dying, the stress over dealing with work to get enough done to be able to go home for the funeral (and the resulting catchup all this past week), and the drama surrounding the house just all have fallen in on top of me.

At church this morning (I was singing on praise team today), I started crying during our tech rehearsal and had to get up for a few minutes to go really cry in the bathroom. Then I came back in and lost it again. They stopped rehearsal for a few minutes to gather around and pray for me, but that didn't stop the tears -- and it didn't really make it easier to sing. I don't know what exactly the trigger was, but that floodgate was opened today. I made it through class, but then broke down again in church. I had quite a few people give me hugs and tell me to let them know if they could do anything, but really what could they do?

I decided to come home after church and just let the emotions come and cry as much as I could to try and get it all out. But there were no tears. Until I watched the end of a sappy movie a few minutes ago and now I'm crying again.

I am feeling very alone right now. I know that I have family and friends that love me and would do anything for me, but I have a VERY hard time letting anyone know when something isn't going right, let alone seeking out a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Because what is there to say, really? I have one friend in Abilene that came to the visitation and to the funeral, but I really felt that I was going through it all alone. My parents had each other, my sister had her husband, my cousins are all married, I know my granddaddy was alone too, but the focus was on him (and rightly so). So, really I was the only one out in left field by myself. Even though the burial was here in the metroplex, none of my friends or church leaders came. I didn't think that would bother me, because I didn't really think that I needed it, but I did. And now I'm feeling bad that I'm upset about the fact they didn't come.

I know that my life will not be magically 100% perfect when (if?) I get married. But it just seems like it would make times like this easier to bear if I had someone to just hold me while I cry. But in the meantime, I guess I'll just cry alone.....

14 comments:

Jacinda said...

I am so sorry that you're feeling so sad but I'm glad you felt that you could blog about it. I hope it helped to just write the words. Sometimes just admitting what's bothering you will help.

I hope it will help you to know that I will pray for you and always remember that God loves you and has a plan for you!

Jenni said...

Actually, I really debated about whether to post this or not.....but after talking with several friends over the past few months about transparency, I decided that I really needed to post it. Even if some people that I might not choose to share this with directly will read it....

That Girl said...

I remember sitting behind my parents at my mother's daddy's funeral. My mother started crying and my daddy put his arm around her tightly and held her. I almost cried then wondering who will hold me when MY daddy dies....

Alone is hard but it WILL pass. I'm sorry you're having a tough day.

Erica said...

I am sorry that you are having a hard day but sometimes it is better to just get it all out. My grandmother died in 2001 before my first child was born and there are still days that are hard. You are not alone:) I am sorry I was not able to be at the funeral, Cary said it was a lovely service. Just know that I was praying for you and sending a hug your way. We love you and will continue to send prayers up for you and your family.

Conway Life said...

Thanks for your honesty, Jenni. I know that was hard to write but I'm glad you did. It's good for everyone to get real every once in a while. I know how it feels to be alone. I've been there and it will pass. Thinking of you...

Heather said...

I want to write something here, but I don't have the words. I pray for you every day and you know that I would drop everything (even time with Phillip) to rush over to you if you needed me to. But, I also know that it's hard to share when you really need help. I'm here!!

elizabeth said...

So sorry, Jenni. I have always found that if I am really upset about something, all it takes is walking through the doors at church to bring the emotions to the surface.

Sean and Julie said...

Jenni,

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Just know that anyone who has gotten married later in life(not right out of collge) has felt the same way you have. I will be praying for God to continue to fill you and when the time is right, to bring the right man to you.

Little Light said...

What sucks about being alone is that it builds on itself - the more you're alone, the more you feel alone and the more you see everyone else being comforted, the more you feel isolated.

Do you remember the Sex and the City episode where Miranda's mother passed away and she was concerned about walking the aisle of the church by herself? Fortunately, her friends came to her rescue, but she expressed a lot of the same feelings you did.

Just remember that when you're feeling alone, there are plenty of people thinking about you and reaching out to you even if you can't feel it directly.

jettybetty said...

Love you girl! I am praying for God to heal your hurt places--and for you to see God's plan for you right now!

DJG said...

Good for you for posting this. Often we need to be reminded to "be there" for each other. It is wonderful to have so many friends that care and pray for you, but sometimes you just need somebody to hold on to.

Blessings and prayers.

Little Light said...

Also Jenni - I was thinking about this last night. When I'm feeling that way, if I ask for comfort from God (seems obvious, but it isn't always to me), I usually feel better. He's not there physically, but I still feel warm and comforted.

Paige said...

Being alone is hard. I hate that you are struggling right now. I will be praying for you sweet friend. Thank you for the honesty.

Amy said...

Hugs are sent your way! I'm praying for you to feel comfort and peace through this difficult time.