Today I think all the pent-up emotions of the past few weeks decided to emerge. The grief over my grandmommy dying, the stress over dealing with work to get enough done to be able to go home for the funeral (and the resulting catchup all this past week), and the drama surrounding the house just all have fallen in on top of me.
At church this morning (I was singing on praise team today), I started crying during our tech rehearsal and had to get up for a few minutes to go really cry in the bathroom. Then I came back in and lost it again. They stopped rehearsal for a few minutes to gather around and pray for me, but that didn't stop the tears -- and it didn't really make it easier to sing. I don't know what exactly the trigger was, but that floodgate was opened today. I made it through class, but then broke down again in church. I had quite a few people give me hugs and tell me to let them know if they could do anything, but really what could they do?
I decided to come home after church and just let the emotions come and cry as much as I could to try and get it all out. But there were no tears. Until I watched the end of a sappy movie a few minutes ago and now I'm crying again.
I am feeling very alone right now. I know that I have family and friends that love me and would do anything for me, but I have a VERY hard time letting anyone know when something isn't going right, let alone seeking out a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Because what is there to say, really? I have one friend in Abilene that came to the visitation and to the funeral, but I really felt that I was going through it all alone. My parents had each other, my sister had her husband, my cousins are all married, I know my granddaddy was alone too, but the focus was on him (and rightly so). So, really I was the only one out in left field by myself. Even though the burial was here in the metroplex, none of my friends or church leaders came. I didn't think that would bother me, because I didn't really think that I needed it, but I did. And now I'm feeling bad that I'm upset about the fact they didn't come.
I know that my life will not be magically 100% perfect when (if?) I get married. But it just seems like it would make times like this easier to bear if I had someone to just hold me while I cry. But in the meantime, I guess I'll just cry alone.....