Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Tired of Fighting

I am so tired of fighting.

Tired of fighting at work..... although it seems to have died down for a while.

Tired of fighting at church...... what should we sing? can we clap with songs? who can perform what acts of service? we are the only ones doing it "right", right? everyone else is going to *you know where*, right? where and how do I fit in to this family? can I really be real, authentic and transparent with my questions, fears and doubts? is my church really moving towards looking like Jesus or more focused on looking better than the church down the street? why is it that we keep losing members? and where is our new growth? are we stagnating? is it time to ask the hard questions and make hard decisions? where is our vision? where is the Spirit in our assemblies?

Tired of fighting in this world.... fighting racism (blatant and ignorant). fighting poverty. fighting stupidity. fighting fear. fighting hatred. fighting ambivalence. fighting ignorance. fighting idiocy. fighting stupid questions. fighting politicians. etc. etc. etc.

Tired of fighting for what I feel that I "deserve" ..... although, what do I deserve anyway? certainly not all that I have been blessed with. eternal damnation is what I deserve. but I was saved from that, right? are you sure? but don't I deserve to have a husband and a family? what, you mean I am not promised those things?

Ready to stop fighting.....ready to go home. Come, Lord Jesus.

3 comments:

DJG said...

I understand your frustration and I share many of them.

God needs you here. He needs you to reach out and love as only you can. Rest from the fight and find your peace. There is much to do and believe it or not, many adventures are calling out to "Jenni".

That Girl said...

It seems to me that I've never known so much dispair! I'm so ready to be done with all this! I guess that's when our real faith is tested... God sure does seem to have a lot of faith in us!

Little Light said...

Easier said than done, but sometimes just "being" is the solution to not fighting. And you can accomplish a surprising amount that way too for some reason.