Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Do you ever wonder?

I've had this post as a draft for a while - wondering if I would really want to post it or not - at this point, I have nothing else to really write about, and I'm curious to your reactions. So, here it is.......

Over the past couple of years, I've been frequently in a melancholy/pensive mood. I don't really know what prompts this mood, and while it is not all together unusual for me, it has been more constant than other times in my past.

More and more often, I have caught myself wondering ..... who is that girl reflected in the mirror? The perception that I have of myself is somehow different than what I see reflected there. Different how, I don't really know. But different.

I see a more confident, serene woman in the mirror than I feel in my oft turbulent thoughts.

I see green eyes staring back at me that (to my perception) are somewhat shadowed and hidden, not clear and open.

I don't see the craziness that I feel when my thoughts tumble out of control and worries overtake my life.

I don't see the beauty, confidence and accomplishment that others tell me they see.

There is more that I see or don't see, but I can't really put it into words. But, somehow, the person in the mirror just isn't me. So, who am I, really? Who is this person that lives inside this body? This spirit? This heart?

What is going on in my world? What am I supposed to be doing, thinking, feeling.....? (as if there is a "right" answer...) Am I doing what God has intended for me to be doing? Am I really following Him? Will I recognize His command? Am I ready to give up my will for His?

Someone please tell me that these questions are not completely off-kilter and strange. That someone else has, at some point in their life, wondered some of the same things? And what did you do with those questions, those wonderings? What do I do with them?

Please don't wonder that I'm spiraling off the deep-end -- I promise that I am not. I just get to thinking (far too often, probably) and this is an outlet to get some of those thoughts out of my head.


That Girl said...

So, when did you learn to read minds? Somedays I can't even bring myself to look at that girl. I see that hard, cold person that I've become. The girl who won't let anyone get close. Only when God is standing right there am I able to even look. It's not that he doesn't care how cynical I've become... he just loves me anyway.

Jenni said...

Cynical....yes, that is something else. I've become much more of a glass half-empty person than a glass half-full. And I still wonder.....

Heather said...

Yep, I'm right there with you. Imagine feeling all that and wondering how your husband sees the beauty that you can never seem to see in the mirror. It's a scary thought, but I think we just have to take refuge in the comments and compliments of those around us and accept them as true.

DJG said...

The way we can't see ourselves in the mirror should be a great testimony about how unimportant external appearances are...but obviously we don't believe that or we wouldn't spend so much time looking in the stupid mirror.

You are quite normal, unless I too am abnormal and that answer is unacceptable. I think what we go through is the same introspection and questioning that we see in the you are not only normal, you are Biblical!

Little Light said...

Some say that major personal changes occur around the age of 29 1/2.