Over the past couple of years, I've been frequently in a melancholy/pensive mood. I don't really know what prompts this mood, and while it is not all together unusual for me, it has been more constant than other times in my past.
More and more often, I have caught myself wondering ..... who is that girl reflected in the mirror? The perception that I have of myself is somehow different than what I see reflected there. Different how, I don't really know. But different.
I see a more confident, serene woman in the mirror than I feel in my oft turbulent thoughts.
I see green eyes staring back at me that (to my perception) are somewhat shadowed and hidden, not clear and open.
I don't see the craziness that I feel when my thoughts tumble out of control and worries overtake my life.
I don't see the beauty, confidence and accomplishment that others tell me they see.
There is more that I see or don't see, but I can't really put it into words. But, somehow, the person in the mirror just isn't me. So, who am I, really? Who is this person that lives inside this body? This spirit? This heart?
What is going on in my world? What am I supposed to be doing, thinking, feeling.....? (as if there is a "right" answer...) Am I doing what God has intended for me to be doing? Am I really following Him? Will I recognize His command? Am I ready to give up my will for His?
Someone please tell me that these questions are not completely off-kilter and strange. That someone else has, at some point in their life, wondered some of the same things? And what did you do with those questions, those wonderings? What do I do with them?
Please don't wonder that I'm spiraling off the deep-end -- I promise that I am not. I just get to thinking (far too often, probably) and this is an outlet to get some of those thoughts out of my head.