Saturday, June 18, 2005

Saturday Afternoon Musings

While I should be busily packing, I can't help but post.....

A blog that I drop by occasionally recently posted this list of things the author wishes she could change about herself. I read that post and identified with so many of the things she listed. It makes me wonder sometimes what it would really take to change those things about me that I don't like.

What I am particularly wondering about today is: What would it take to erase the fear? I've been single for so long and done quite well at building an independent life for myself. Why am I afraid to let someone in that might share my life with me? Why do I run and hide behind the comfortable "busy, single gal" lifestyle - when it reality I have, at times, been quite miserable living that life? Why do I look for the qualities that might be negatives, rather than highlighting the positives? Why am I afraid to open my heart? Will I be able to recognize when the "right one" comes along?

I wonder sometimes, why it is that I've never really dated anyone. I recognize and realize that it is not a bad thing that there aren't scars on my heart - it has never been given away, therefore never been returned bruised and battered. At the same time, at the ripe old age of 29, it is difficult to jump out there into the dating world. Yes, folks, you read it here first. I am actually dating someone (who, incidentally, reads this blog :-) for the first time in my life. We have been out several times and seem to have a lot in common and enjoy each other's company. Regardless of how this particular relationship goes or doesn't, this experience is definitely making me think about a lot of things.....the one major thing at the moment being: am I holding back? Am I afraid to open myself up? Or is it just the "unknown" of the world of dating someone that I am really afraid of?

I have grown so content in my world of work and church where my (completely) real self and desires don't surface so much, that I think I am afraid to open up to someone share my life, my worries and concerns, my joys and excitements. I hope and pray daily that God will bless me with a husband/soulmate that will be my constant companion throughout my life, but secretly (and now, not-so-secretly), I am terrified of that new relationship and the soul-baring that will have to take place.

So there it is today ...... another insight into my soul...... regardless of who reads it. to pack.


DJG said...

It is so easy to become comfortable with what is going on in your life, so very comfortable, that you unconsciencly fight change. It is also daunting to think about giving someone else the power to hurt you.

But you are facing these challenges in a very open and honest way. God will lead you to share your heart and your life if you will allow him too.

Have a wonderful trip, and take the opportunity to do some heavy I need to tell you that!

Heather said...

Just's normal to be scared. Remember all the times I told you (or maybe I didn't tell you) I was scared. If I didn't tell you then...I was scared!!! Just trust God and he'll lead you where he wants you to be. You can always come to me if you want to talk. I've been through all the stuff you're going through right now.

:-) Heather

Little Light said...

Good luck with your new relationship. I've decided that it's better to stop asking questions.